Adventures with..delays

Well yeah its been a while again and all I can say is 

 

Its been a tough view weeks Rowan has been ill, Pat has been ill, I have been ill, teething and this week we have all had (and me and Rowan still have the stomach bug), throughout it all Rowan has been going though a clingy phase which has matched up "nicely" with a low phase I've been going though.

I know some of it is out of my control - my hormones have been going crazy because of my thyroid meds, making me feel like a mess and like I'm back a stage one. Only not shell shocked with a sleepy newborn, shell shocked with a active grumpy infant who wants his mummy's attention 24/7.

But i've gotten help, the correct dose for my thyroid for one thing! and me and Rowan are doing well, apart from a visit from the stomach bug fairy turning our home into a plague house.

So all back to normal soon 

soonish

 

Adventures in..Miscarriage

Wow well this ones going to be sad, so here is some cute animals to break it up a little.

                                                 

So lets not skirt around the issue its time to talk about miscarriage.
It is estimated that 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, and occurs in 1 out of 4 women, its a cruel but very common event. 
Sometimes it happens before the woman even knew she was pregnant, or just after that life changing postive result.
And cruelty it can just happen.
Yet we don't talk about it.
Something that effects millions of women each year, that happens everyday we don't talk about.

For us it was August 2014 and what has been dubbed Schrödinger's pregnancy. 
It was my birthday 2014, and I was feeling different. we had been trying for a few months, I was very very late, almost 20 days, I was feeling weird, sore, dizzy and super hormonal, so I took a test preying for a positive result and nothing! Dud result so I decided to give it a few more days, and wait til the weekend, however my body had other ideas.
                                      

                                    

When the bleeding came it was nothing like I had experienced before, far too heavy, far to painful and I felt awful. I had late and bad periods before but this was different, but for some reason I felt too silly to go to the doctor, and felt like I should get on with it. After all I never got that positive result.
It was only addressed months later when I saw my midwife, he asked my history and what my cycles were like, which led to me discussing August, as my period was never right after that (until my pregnancy)
Then he wrote it in my notes, "suspected miscarriage" and that was it.
Always suspected, but never sure my Schrödinger's pregnancy.
Which is why typing this I feel like a con, like without proof I cant grieve or share my experience, when I know those who suffered that positive result or the hell of miscarriage near the 12 week mark.
But it doesn't stop me thinking about what happened or what could have been, especially since something similar happened a few weeks ago (hence why I haven't updated) which gave me nightmares about miscarriage since.

I promise the next one will be fun just needed to get this out, as unknown as it was, it was still part of my pregnancy journey.

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Adventures in..Baby making!

So time passes,
We get house, better jobs and get married. 
Like many couples we think about the future, only with us, me pushing 30, and chance of early menopause that seamed very uncertain, but a bridge to cross when it came to it.
And it came to it.
In the spring of 2014 my hospital consultant told me, frankly if we wanted children we did not want to wait, as the grim madame of menopause was hanging over my shoulder.

                                               As we all know she takes the form of Pat Butcher

So we decided to try. 
Bringing me to the list of things people do when trying for a baby!

1. Sit upside down
2. Research on the internet
3. Get the apps
4. Attack like a predator when it is that "time"
5. Will tell ourselves we will never do the above!

And of course you will always run into people who tell you they just have to look at a penis to get pregnant.

                               Well done, congratulations! Do you want a prize? you got one a baby! 

In the grand-scheme of things we were lucky. It took less than a year and we didn't need any help, a few bumps but everything went fine. However after we had been trying for few months, I started getting the baby blues.

It was all I could think about. 

I had a spell of it a few years previously when a close friend fell pregnant, just as I got the diagnosis and the warning that I may not be able to have children. 

This broke me, however when we were trying I felt worse, as 11 friends all announced they were pregnant (most within the same month) this damn well killed me!

I felt wrong and cruel. I knew I should be happy for them but every time I was told, or saw the announcement I wanted to scream, cry, scream again, cry a lot.

                                      

                                                                   Congratulations I'm so happy for you! 

Worse was the friends trying to "comfort you" but telling you how parenthood ruined their lives and body, of course we know you trying to help but it was just a reminder of what we didn't have. 

It was a weird time being excited for our friends, but wanting to spit at the computer every time they showed a new ultrasound.

But it did happen for us, and for that I'm grateful.

And like many people will tell you, when we relaxed, took a break from trying, and got drunk (not recommended by doctors!) that's when it happened.

So my advise for those trying, based on my experience

• Take regular breaks from the apps, plans and hopes. The more pressure you put on yourself is more stress for your body. Have a chilled fun month!
• Take care of yourself step back and take a mental break from it, have a night out, pamper yourself, go on a mini adventure or watch Idris Elba films.
• Take care of your relationship yours a couple wanting a baby not machines!
• Take care of both your bodies if you both want this, you both need to make changes! There's no point you cutting out caffeine and other vices, if he's drinking every night. Your lifestyle effects your swimmers!
•  Its OK to ask for help go to your doctors, even if its not for treatment they can recommend changes you can make to help prepare your body. And if its been a year they can help.

and when your low just think of Idris...

..I mean think of your partner! of course! ...um...

Adventures in fertility

So guy meets girl.

They do what guys and girls do, and girl falls pregnant- no issues no problems simple as that.

Girl gets crazy cravings and cries over her body, guy has a crisis over becoming a Dad.

We've all seen that movie, however in real life its no so simple.

A young, healthy couple only have a 20% chance of falling pregnant, in the tiny 12 hour gap each month, and the pregnancy surviving that first 4 weeks.....

Its a lot more complex and heartbreaking than in the movies.

Its estimated that 1 in 8 couples will face fertility issues.  

And when we're young we never believe we will be one of them.

Treatments are getting better all the time, however its still a hard journey, and for some no baby at the end.

So with my own fertility journey lets begin right at the beginning..

When I was young I was the fat bullied kid at school, I could have easy belonged to any 80's/90's kids adventure movie if I was a boy.

                                                                    I rocked this!

Unlike my kids movie counter part I didn't shrug it of as my part in life, or overcame my bullies by doing an awesome stunt and gained super confidence. As those who have been bullied know, real life isn't like that. I honestly believed it would never end, and by the age of 11 I wanted to die. The age when my biggest concern should be my favorite spice girl, I was deciding how to end my life. 

I decided pills, I remember looking for some but then I came to realize something. I wanted to be a mother someday, more than a superhero/actor/marine biologist I wanted a family, and the pills weren't important anymore. 

I made a plan I would focus on school, get out of my hometown away from the bullies, make my own life and have a family. Perfect.

The reason I started with this, well all other plans and ambitions changed as I got older however the one thing that didn't change was the certainly that I would have my own family one day.

No problems.

Not at all.

When I was 23 my fertility was still unknown, just something I took for given, however after coming off the injection my periods never came back. After a year and several doctors appointments it apparent something was wrong. It took several more years and many many many blood tests and MRI's before I received an official answer - Prolactinoma

Prolactinoma,is a group of small brain tumors (non-cancerous) that grow on the pituitary gland, creating a rise in prolactin, the hormone that's responsible for breast milk (many suffers actually start producing it, even men!), however it creates too much and drowns other key hormones needed for egg release. Thus fooling the body into thinking its pregnant in someways while also stopping it from being able to.

I like to think they look like this;

 

So now I had a reason, but it wasn't so simple. 

Although I could start treatment, for let the tumors grow large enough to operate, my future fertility was no assured and thanks to the tumors (which can come back any time) I could go into early menopause. I was 25 by this time, 25 and dealing with signs of menopause, 25 thinking that was it I would never have my own baby. It was tough, one of my friends was pregnant at the time, and like many woman facing fertility issues the whole world seemed to be pregnant expect for me.

Once again I felt I had no reason to go on living.

But then after months of treatment, 3 years since they disappeared my period returned. I swear I was the most excited woman in the world over my period. The tablets were working, tests confirmed the tumors were shrinking, slowly my body was returning to semi-normal.

The doctors still told me that my fertility was still an issue and the menopause could still be round the corner, but finally there was hope, and we would just have to wait and see.

Now you may be thinking, whats this got to do with PND

                                   

Well I think because I was so convinced children were key to my life, and then facing fertility issues put pressure on me for everything to be right when I had my son. 

I foolishly had a belief in the back of my mind once I became a mother everything would be ok...

Adventure begins

 So here we go!

Another parent's view blog, because the internet needs them as much as it needs more Minecraft videos.

But wait, this one's different!

No it's not, well, maybe it is due to a lack of parenting dogma, just personal experience.
So my name is Emily, I'm 30, I live in the UK, just had my first baby and have no idea what I'm doing :/ I live with my husband and my fat cat Bodie, o and the baby of course!

So if this isn't a specialist parenting blog, what the hell is the point?

Well, I guess it's reaching out. I've been dealing with PND,  live far away from my family, and although my husband is great and I love my little dude I've been lonely.

Yes, there's a whole ton of parenting groups and support networks, however most of the ones I've encountered or are in my area are specialist (A future blog just on this). This blog was meant to begin months ago when I was still pregnant, however life with a small human has taken up more time than I expected (so long all the maternity hobbies I had planned!). And only now, 14 weeks after the dude was born, I have finally managed to get into a routine and getting some time back to be something other than an over tired mess, although most days I still look like a Jim Henson creation.

                                                   I wish! Think Labyrinth!

So this is my place to chat about parenting adventures without following a book, a plan, or any idea what I'm doing! The many downs but the awesome ups (hopefully!) of parenting.